The "D" Word

Let’s talk about the “D” word. You know the one. It’s the word we don’t say because it will make us seem weak or unequipped to be a good mom. If we say it out loud, then we aren’t a good wife because we should be happier in our marriage. And we especially don’t want to mention it at church, because it’s a dirty word that insinuates our lack of trust in God. Let’s just rip off the Band-Aid and say it together, “DEPRESSION”!

Ya’ll depression is a real thing. How do I know? Because I fight through it daily. Almost every day of my life, I have to force myself to get up and function. It’s a choice that I have to make no matter how difficult it is for me. And sometime “functioning” just looks like a move from the bed to the couch. Sometimes functioning is accomplishing nothing that day except maybe a shower. It’s not that I want to feel this way. I don’t wake up and think to myself, “hey, let’s be lazy and stare at walls today.” Instead, I give myself pep talks to motivate me to keep going.

Truth bomb, I would like to be isolated from everything and everyone for a few days. No responsibility and no purpose. Just me and my thoughts and a blank wall for me to stare at. I know, that sounds out there. But this is where I am some days. And it makes me feel so selfish and ungrateful for my amazing life. You know that evil question, “what do you have to be depressed about?”

As a mom, I am terrified what my depression is going to do to my children. Are they going to know that mommy is trying her best? What if I screw them up?!?!?! Truth is, we all get screwed up by our childhood, one way or another. I have learned that the best way to deal with this is to be honest with my children. Mental Health wasn’t something we discussed in my family. I literally grew up in the Miranda Lambert song “Mama’s Broken Heart”. For so long I worked hard to “hide my crazy and act like a lady!” But why? People get sad just like people get happy. When I was diagnosed with depression, I was ashamed because that’s what I was taught to be. Now, I’m not dissing on my parents. They taught me what they knew. But I know better. I know that depression is a real thing and it can affect all aspects of your life. Even your children. Little eyes and hearts see all things. I show them my flaws, my weaknesses, and my struggles. We share things and try our best to always be honest and transparent. We don’t hide crazy, we give it a coffee mug and put it on the front porch for the world to see.

My husband is my biggest supporter and my reality check. I’m lucky in so many ways for having this man. He knows me and loves me anyway. It’s like he has a superpower that makes him in tuned with people. He knows from the first meeting if someone is what they present themselves as and he knows from the look on my face where my mind is. I can’t count how many times I’ve fallen short as a wife. After I retired from the Navy, I spent six months on the couch with the dogs doing nothing. For about eight hours every day I did nothing. It was great and not so great at the same time. Some days it was because I was so deep in myself that I couldn’t do anything. Other days, I was recovering from the exhaustion that depression brings me. Then in comes my husband. The guy who didn’t and doesn’t complain when I am home all day yet don’t “feel” like cooking. The man who will rewash his work clothes after I left them in the washer soaking wet for three days. And he is the man who makes sure our kids do their homework. I’m the wife that just exist some days. Feeling like I’m standing still and everyone else is living life around me. Even though he isn’t someone who shows much emotion, he is good to understand when I need him to be more because I feel like so much less.

Paul wrote, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” So, we should be good, right? The typical believer spends about 4 hours a week or less inside a church setting. This can be life-group or Sunday worship or however you meet with other believers. A seven-day week contains two hundred eight hours. With eight hour

s of sleep per night (I wish) that comes to one hundred fifty-two hours awake. That comes out to less than three percent of the time you are awake is spent gathering together corporately with other believers. Why am I doing all this math? Because, if you’re like me, you can put on a happy face for three percent of your week. And we do. “Fine, great, we’re good! God is good! No complaints!” Sound familiar? We never want to be the one to say “I have a great life and an amazing family. I know and trust that God is good. But I feel so heavy and weighed down by absolutely nothing and can’t seem to shake it.” The Psalms tell us “Cast your cares onto the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.” This is such a powerful statement. It shows both God’s love and protective nature. But sometimes depression isn’t a care or a burden that can be names. It’s nothing and everything at the same time. And you know what? It’s going to be okay, and even if it’s not, it’s going to be okay. Use your tribe. Lean in on the people God has given you on this earth. Don’t hide or be ashamed of your struggles. We were not meant to be alone. Let your church family love you.

Depression can be destructive. If not properly addressed, you can let it destroy you and the things you care about. It can destroy your children and their ability to come to you and be honest about what they are feeling. It can destroy your marriage if you do not communicate with your partner what you are going through. If they are truly in it with you, they will go through it with you. And depression can destroy your testimony. You cannot live two lives putting on a different face for different people.

COVID was a hard time for me. I need people and contact. I love the church as a community that comes together and meets. Right before everything shut down in March of 2020, we moved to a new town where we knew no one. We had not had a chance to visit any new churches or make any friends. I wasn’t even sure what stores were around us. It was so hard for me. Challenges kept coming. My kids were out of school and I was teleworking to be with them. Can I just stop right here and acknowledge how hard virtual learning was? Ya’ll! It was rough. Then the masks! It was like I could just hide my depression behind a piece of fabric. I didn’t have to fake happy. I could just mope through. Be aware of what mask you may hide behind.

Now for a big one, medication. If you have high blood pressure, you treat it. Maybe even take medication. So, why are we so ashamed to be on medication for our mental health? Why is “antidepressant” such a taboo word to say? Normalize getting the help you need! If that’s meds or exercise or just a break. You do you boo! Because this Blessy and Messy world can get you down! Don’t let it! Fight back! Fight for your kids, your marriage and for a God who has your back and has huge plans for you.