Moms Like Me...

Momming is hard! It’s even harder when your child faces challenges that are out of your control. My son is on the Autism Spectrum. He is what they consider “high functioning”, whatever that means. Sometimes he is rude and disrespectful while being loud and cussing like a Sailor. He isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Actually for most people he’s more of a burning shot of Whiskey. This makes friends hard. Not just for him but for all of us. We have had to make the decisions, as a family, to step away from churches, organizations, friends, and some family members in order for him to feel comfortable and to remove negativeness from our lives. It challenges us all different and I feel like it’s a constant fight for people to understand and accept him. Because no matter what, we are always a team! And when it comes to him or a friend, I will always pick him!

One thing that happens a lot is people don’t think he “looks” autistic. So, what does autistic look like? Ya’ll, this burns me up! Just because you can’t look at him and see his challenges doesn’t make them any less there. Friends and family both have eagerly shared their opinion on how “spanking” him is all he needs. These are the people we remove from our lives. The people that can’t see past their own nose to see how wonderful he is. The people who do not understand that spanking him is the worst thing we could do for him. Now I’m not pro or against spanking. But I do feel like it’s a personal choice you have to make in your home and it really isn’t anyone else’s business. What works as discipline for some isn’t going to help for all. OK, stepping off that soapbox!

He loves building things. Anything! And I’m not talking Legos. He likes building things out of wood. Desks, Planters, birdfeeders, you name it! I love watching the wheels in his mind roll around. He can look at a picture of the latest DIY I get in my head and then build it. He does all the measurement in his head and drags up to Home depot at least three times a week. But people miss that part of him. The part they see is the meltdown or the yelling when he gets overwhelmed. They don’t see a child that does long division in his head in seconds, they see the child who is blunt because he doesn’t know social ques. People see what they want to see, the surface. But he’s an onion…with layers peeling back each day.

My daughter defends him all the time. She has lost friends because they have said rude and ugly things about him. She has been excluded from things like birthday parties and play dates. Many times, I have held her while she cried because she just doesn’t understand why people are mean. Granted they fight like cats and dogs. Sometimes they love each other and sometimes they don’t! But at the end of the day, she is his protector. She makes me proud!

To my husband, he is the shadow that is a constant. They take the “like father, like son” saying to a whole new level. From the moment he was born, he has wanted to be just like dad! A year ago, we made the decision to homeschool. A classroom setting was too overwhelming for him and this has turned out to be a better option for us. Him and dad do school together and take breaks when he needs them. This man shows more love and patience than I ever imagined. I love him more and more every day that I watch them together.

Me, I feel like I fail him daily. Each time a friend of mine decides he is “too much” or wants to exclude him from a birthday party because they are afraid he will “ruin it”, a piece of my heart breaks. When he is aware of this person’s opinions, its even more heartbreaking. And don’t kid yourself, he is very aware. So, here are some ways to be a friend to the mom with the special needs kid. The kid that doesn’t fall into your cookie cutter idea of what “normal means”.

Meet her where she is. Loving someone through their challenges is the definition of friendship to me. I can go days without reaching out to people when we are going through an exceptionally challenging time. I have my own challenges with depression and anxiety that are increased when his anxiety is increased. It’s a vicious cycle that spirals out of control faster than I can blink. My true friends shine through during this time. They text, they call, they show up even when I’m trying to come up with a way to blow them off. They don’t open their door for me, they bust through my door, even in the rain, and love me where I am, not where is comfortable for them. Sometimes I just need someone to say, “I see you!”

Do not criticize her child to her. Every heard the saying, “if you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say anything at all”? Well, Thumper the rabbit had a great point! Even if we are laying on your couch and crying while listing the many ways our child has made our life harder that day. Stay neutral and just listen. Be there. We don’t really want you to fix anything. There is nothing “wrong” with my child. He just sees the world differently. I don’t need fixed and my child doesn’t need fixed. We need friends that love us through the drama and provide a sounding board when we need to vent.

Recognize that you have no idea what her life is like. What works today may be out the window tomorrow. Its an ever-changing world in my house. Each day is different. We have to go with the flow. This is hard for a lot of people. Even though we thrive on structure, we must be fluid to the stimulation that each day brings. I don’t even pretend I understand what other moms go through because every day, every family, every home and every child are unique and amazing in their own way. You just have to get over yourself enough to see them.

Be honest with her. Sounds simple, but it’s not. And I’m not going to lie, I have been offended and went into full mama bear mode on people who come at me in the wrong way. Please remember, I am also a work in progress. There is no manual! If you are concerned about how my child will handle a potentially over stimulating situation, just be real with me. Love and respect me enough to be honest and do so with love and not condemnation of how difficult my child may seem to you. The worst thing is for your child to tell my child what you said. Then it causes a conflict for the kids that are just victims of adult immaturity. Siblings of Special Needs kids have it hard enough without carrying around adult perspective too.

I’m sure I could sit here and list a thousand more ways you can support a mom like me. A thousand ways you can help my daughter not feel like she has to be a bodyguard. Or my husband like he isn’t being the strong head of the family. Or the mom like she isn’t enough because you don’t understand. I can even list millions of ways my child gets hurt because he knows he is different and sees the sacrifices we make for him. But at the end of the day what matters is that we are a team. We do not sacrifice, we stand together wearing the full armor of God battling through this life God chose for us. And what a miraculous joy it is to know that God chose me to be his mom. That God chose us to be his family. And with an open mind and an even more open heart, we can all be friends.