Finding Me Again

I remember a country song that said, “I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I, wanna talk about number one.”  But, as moms, how often do we really just think of ourselves.  How many times do we put ourselves on the back burner for our children or our husband or even our jobs?  Do we even know who we are?  Our identity can so easily get swallowed up in our family and their needs.  Disclaimer, I am in no way telling you to neglect your family, but I am telling you not to neglect yourself.  If you run your car out of gas it stops. In the same fashion, you can burn yourself out to a point that you have nothing else to give.  Or you get so overwhelmed, you stop giving at all.  That’s what I did.

For twenty years and five days (because each day counted) I served in the US Navy.  I loved my job.  I was a Command Career Counselor, so basically a guidance counselor for the Navy.  Helping Sailors was my calling.  Then I retired almost three years ago.  Now, I’m going to stop right here because three years has gone by way faster as a Retiree than it ever did as an Active Duty Service Member.  I remember seeing these cartoons with the Retiree pressing their face against a window and someone from the inside telling them to go home because they were retired.  Ya’ll I laughed at this with the best of them….and then I became the guy on the other side of the glass. 

Nothing could have fully prepared me for the loss I would feel when I no longer put on that uniform.  Some call the military being “institutionalized” and it’s valid in some ways.  Now before anyone gets up in their feels.  I love the Military and strongly believe in its necessity.  But I did not realize the invisible structure that it brought to my life until it was gone.  I had more choices than I knew what to do with.  In true me fashion, I went drastic with a few things.  For example, my hair.  I bleached it, shaved the sides and back so that I only had about 5 inches of hair on the top of my head and dyed the roots hot pink.  Needless to say my husband was not a fan.  But I loved it just because I could.

I had to figure out all kinds of things.  Little things like not getting phone calls for help really make me feel unneeded and fully irreverent.  Who was I if I wasn’t a Navy Career Counselor?  I had no clue.  And reinventing yourself at 39 years old isn’t as easy as you would think.  While I was ready to retire and settle in one place with my family, I was very comfortable in my position.  So, in true me fashion, it was everything wrong and nothing wrong at the same time.  I spent eight months on the couch before I applied for my first job outside of the Navy.

I taught Transition classes for the Military for right at a year.  And I loved it!  But I was driving 56 miles each way through the HRBT (a tunnel under water for my non-Virginians).  It was so bad.  If the tunnel was backed up or there was an accident, I could very well be stuck in traffic for hours.  Typically I got to work in just over an hour but it took almost two hours to get home.  I was exhausted!  I got home, cooked and went to bed.  No family time, no husband time and especially no me time.  And we all suffered.  During that time, my son was also struggling with some challenges and me being gone so much did not help. 

I’d like to insert a side note here because my husband is literally a Saint on a mission from God for being married to me.  We are hitting 15 years of marriage this month and he has definitely been the rock I needed in my life.  He has always stepped up and filled all the voids I have left in our home.  Whether it be the kids or the house, he’s on it.  He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, even if he is a little sassy at times.  I used the analogy of an empty gas tank before, well he always make sure my tank never goes empty.  Like for real, I don’t pump gas!  He pumps for it me!!!  So, when I said that I wanted to leave my job as a government contractor and take a two thirds pay cut to be closer to home, he never batted an eye. 

I believe that God puts you where you need to be when you need to be there.  For six months I was employed by the local high school.  The job was easy and allowed me more time with my family.  I also had two months off over the summer to spend with my children.  While I did not hate my job, I didn’t love it either.  I missed working with Service Members.  There are those who retire and never want to work with the Military again and then there are those who miss the comraderies and connection.  So on to my third job after the military!

Currently I am working reception at a Military Family Readiness Center much closer to my home.  I love the people I work with and that I get to assist Service Members and there families.  But again this isn’t where I want to be.  On average, it takes three years and six job positions for a Retired Veteran to get into the job they want.  Ya’ll I’m almost there.  I am currently a government contractor and my goal position (also government contract) became available seven months ago.  I applied, interviewed and was selected for the position 5 months ago….then the contract was cancelled and they decided the position would be converted into a government position. 

If you know anything about government and government contract positions, you know that the conversion is actually a good thing.  Better benefits, more money, better retirement.  So I waited, and waited, and waited.  Then a week ago, the position finally posted.  I feel like a light has finally broke through the clouds.  It seems like my life is finally coming to the place I want it to be.  The job I wanted!  But I am terrified!!!  There is no guarantee that I will get the position.  No guarantee that the job that I have wanted since before I retired will be mine.  My stomach is flipping as I type.  Ya’ll them butterflies are real!!!

So, how does all this tie into me taking care of myself?  Glad you asked.  My choices in jobs and life have gotten to me.  I have become anxious and depressed.  At my house, we call it “going dark.”  It hurts me to say that because it means that I have “gone dark” so many times that my family and I have a name for it.  But I have made the conscious decision to pick me.  To make sure that I’m good.  Not “fine” but actually good.  Here are some ways I’m picking me.

First, this blog.  I started this blog in August 2022.  I decided to post under my mom’s name as a tribute to her and how she always supported me.  I also did that to protect the privacy of my children.  It was supposed to be my creative outlet.  Then I went dark.  Life happened and I just stopped writing.  But truth be told, I love to write.  And if one person reads my blog or if one hundred people read my blog, it doesn’t matter, because I am doing this for me. Am I the best writer?  Nope! But I don’t have to be the best.  The “intra-webs” allows me to do what I want!!! So my goal is to post a couple times a month or just whenever I feel like it, because it’s about me.

Next, self-care!  Can I get an “Amen” from all the moms who get hit with the mom guilt?  Nobody can make you feel selfish like the mini person you created.  But it’s not selfish.  Be real with your kids.  Help them to understand that, just like they want to do things they enjoy with their friends, you do too.  Before I was wife and mother, I was me.  And me is important.  Have those moments when you silence the phone and just sit with a friend or even by yourself.  Just be you.  And if you find that hard, try new things to figure out who you are now.  I, for one, know that who I was before I was married with kids is not who I am now.  I’ve grown and matured and my interests have changed. 

Then, but definitely not last, be true to you.  Ya’ll I am too old to fake it.  I do not have the time or the energy to be anyone but me.  And the more I give myself grace, the more I like me.  In all of this, I look to God’s timing.  Would my life have been easier if God had put me right into the position I want as soon as I retired?  Absolutely!  But His timing has put me where He intended me to be.  And I trust that.  Even if the answer to my prayers is “no”, still I will pray and trust.  I look to the Bible for guidance and I love how the hot mess sinner made clean, Paul, helps me to understand that life is not always flowers and unicorns!

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”  Philippians 4:11-13 NIV