Exhaustingly Rewarding

Confession time! I have hidden in the pantry while eating a candy bar. Ok, not just a candy bar. Also, a glass of wine, or the last soda, or a bag of chips, or any snack that I just felt like I wanted to eat in peace and not share. Alone time, as a mom, is basically nonexistent. From the time our children are born they are literally latched onto us. Pun intended! I would even pull a bassinet into the bathroom so I could see the baby from the bathtub. My husband and I would bath one child in the shower with us and then trade each other for the next one. My daughter sat in foam baby chair thingy on the counter while I cooked. Togetherness was efficient.

Then I got tired ya’ll! Tired of always sharing. Creating boundaries with our kids is so hard. Mostly because, when they are babies, we want to have our eyes on them constantly. No wonder they attach themselves to out leg when we drop them off at daycare. Then there is the most dreaded feeling a mom can feel, guilt. We feel guilty for wanting time away from our children. Afterall, we chose to be moms. We wanted this job and we love it. Our children are the lights of our life. But even Jesus took some time to Himself.

The Gospels often talk of Jesus sending away crowds so He could spend some alone time in prayer. Even the night before He was to die for our sins, He took some time alone. He understood the value of His purpose, here on earth, but He also understood the value of recharging alone. I came to realized that my alone time with Jesus was one of the first things I neglected as a new mom. Those five-minute power naps that infants are notorious for taking, only lasted long enough to transfer the laundry from the washer to the dryer. How do you fit it in? “Get up earlier” was the common advice. It never failed that the earlier I got up, the earlier the kids woke up. Again, boundaries are hard.

Gender separation was so freeing for me. You know, when the kids are getting to the age that they start to notice they are made different and you can no longer combine bath times. My daughter has always been a self-entertained child so she faired pretty well. My son, not so much. He is really my clingier child who wanted (still wants) to follow me everywhere. This new rule allowed me to go to the bathroom without him. Of course, he still stuck his fingers under the door an knocked a hundred times, but that closed door was my momentary shield from all obligation. It was also the heavy wall of guilt that I felt crumbling down on me. There’s that word again.

So, where’s the balance? How do I take care of myself and not feel like I’m not taking care of my children? How am I the mom that I think I’m supposed to be while being the person God had designed me to be? You’re probably reading this thinking, “whoa there! That’s a lot of questions!” And you’d be right. These are questions that we ask ourselves over and over until we are so exhausted that we are no good to our children or our husbands or ourselves. Here are some answers that through different seasons have worked for me.

No is ok. You can say “No, mommy is going to take a bath alone.” Or “No, this is mommy’s snack.” Will you have to deal with a tantrum, almost certainly the first few times. But eventually, you will establish a healthy boundary. Imagine this, you are at the park and you child is playing with their favorite toy or eating their favorite snack and another child comes up and wants them to share. They can say “no, thank you.” After all, if I’m sitting on a park bench reading a book and having a snack, I’m not going to say “here, you wanna read with me.” And if you read over my shoulder, I will think you’re creepy. It’s ok for your children not to share as long as they are kind. Same goes for you. Don’t yell or get angry with your children. Just speak to them in a kind and polite manner letting them know what the boundaries are. Does it aways work? Absolutely not! But sometimes it does and then it starts to become the norm.

Use your tribe. There was an eight-month period, when my children were one and two, that my husband lived in another state. I was planning to separate from the Navy and he had moved back to my home state to start getting our life set up there. Active-Duty Military is a hard life. Active Duty alone with two small children is an extremely hard life. Shout out to all my single parents and military spouses out there. You are my heroes! Who are my other heroes? My tribe!!! My tribe is a group of people who have been there for me when I needed them. The little things truly do matter. Once a month, the kids and I would either take a long weekend trip to see my husband or he would come see us. One trip back was awful! Typically, I could do the drive in nine hours, easy. This trip took almost thirteen. Yes, thirteen hours in a small crossover SUV with two dachshunds and two toddlers. Jesus, take the wheel! By the time I got close to my house I was determined that I would not get them out again. But I had no milk at my house. Being the problem solver I am, I went through the drive through at a fast-food restaurant and ordered six of their happy meal sized milks. Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do! When one of my tribe found out, she started making sure there was a gallon of milk in my fridge before I crossed the state lines. Another one of my tribe cut my grass. Another folded the pile of laundry and did the dishes while I took a much-needed shower. Ya’ll leaving the conditioner in your hair a few minutes really does matter. Shaved legs matter, even if you are the only one to enjoy the feeling. One of my tribe even picked up my two kids from the daycare and took them to my house with her three kids and a super-sized order of chicken nuggets because I had surgery and my bladder wouldn’t wake up. Get a tribe!

Church small groups fill two purposes. First, you are spending time in the word and growing with other believers. Second, those beautiful humans who are willing to love your children during this time. We all have our spiritual gifts and where we feel called to serve. I still keep in contact with the ladies that I would graciously hand my babies to every Sunday morning. They would inevitably take the huge hair bow off my daughter and shoes never made it to pick up, but I knew without a doubt that they were safe and loved. The first time is always hard, but its healthy for both you and the child to get a break. And nothing is sweeter than the toothless grin that you get when you pick them up.

Ask for help! Friends always say, “let me know if you need anything.” But do we ever tell them for real. I’m going to let you know, part of my paying it forward is living out that statement. If I am able, I will be there for you. I am part of the tribe. I will cook you a meal or walk the floor with a crying baby or whatever you need at the moment. During a thunderstorm, I had friends show up with a gallon of milk and a bottle of wine! I can be that girl. But I do not know what your struggle is if you don’t ask for help. No shame in the game!

Friends, this mom thing is so hard and so great at the same time. I like to sound poetic and say, ”it’s the most exhaustingly rewarding thing you’ll ever do.” And it is, but again….its worth it. So, live out your blessy messy life and learn to take care of the one who takes care of everyone.